THERE’S a new threat in your neighbourhood.
It could have been lurking for a while now, without you ever knowing.
It might have already got your children under its hooded spell.
You might even be a victim without even knowing.
Insert a scary movie-like scream here, because – I hope you’re sitting down – the hoods are out to get you.
Specifically, I mean the hoods on your windcheater.
That fluffy addition to your jumper that keeps your neck and ears warm in winter is a danger waiting to happen.
But luckily, we’re a community and we’re looking out for each other.
The latest group to take action is Horsham Plaza – a place that ironically has shops that sell the clothing item.
To be fair, the plaza has not enforced a ban on your favourite winter warmer.
But if you walk in with a hood on your head, expect to be asked to lose it or leave.
The plaza staff has not gone so far as to call hoods a security threat.
Instead, it looks down on the humble hoodie for its anti-social properties.
Manager Allison Roberts explains, “We think we should be able to see everybody’s faces.
“We are fully heated this time of year, you don’t need to have a head covering.”
Don’t worry, this isn’t an attack on those whose head coverings are of a religious nature.
The plaza is fine with the burqa.
Hats and beanies are also safe – though we imagine a low-drawn cap might ruffle some feathers.
Only hoodies and helmets are being head-hunted in the quest to keep the plaza a social location.
The ruling might show off our shining faces, but it might also deter celebs from hitting up Kmart for their supplies – everyone knows Leo and his friends like to hide behind a hoodie and sunnies. And shop at Kmart.
Overall, if the not-quite-a-ban works, that’s good news.
But it’s important to remember what really creates unsocial behaviour – Crocs.
And socks and sandals.
Those are the real enemy within our midst.
Let’s hope they’re next in the firing line.
For now, the ruling remains in place, but that doesn’t mean your hood must be retired completely.
Sleep in it and parade around in it at home. Wear it until it’s worn out, until your fingers and ears can stick through the holes growing in the fraying fabric.
Love your hoodie until it falls apart.
Just make sure you exchange it for a scarf and a beanie when you go to buy a new one.