Gatecrashing new farmer causes tears on hit reality show

It's glamping time on Farmer Wants a Wife, episode 10, but not even posh tents and a bar is enough for city girl Calya who is way out of her comfort zone, as shown by her heeled boots that David Brent would be proud of.

To cut through the tripe somewhat, here's a checklist of cliches to tick off this episode:

The unequalled winner of the MVH (Most Valuable Host) award, Nat, swings by with her token side-lean entry, like she's peeping around the corner to check if anyone is awake as she walks in.

It's quite noticeable, as are her shoulder touches with Farmer Todd.

She exits like she's been called away somewhere, perhaps to another group of random ladies uncomfortably sitting in the scrub.

The announcement is made that there are 24-hour dates up for grabs. We don't actually get the dates this episode, just the relentless discussion about them.

Wool-lined jumpers are the order of the day and it's unclear who got the lucrative contract: Rivers? Target? Driza-Bone?

The mob is sitting around drinking champagne from pannikin cups - classy.

The real heroes of this episode are the campfires. There are nearly as many cut-aways to them as there are festoon lights draped throughout trees.

Let's pull up a blanket and touch base with each farmer, starting with newcomer, Farmer Todd.

With a big hat in place, Farmer Todd strides in with a "How ya going boys?" and a round of handshakes.

We then get some slow motion shots of the beef and sheep producer from New South Wales detailing why he came on the show.

Surprisingly, it's not an Ariat sponsorship but love which as lured him onto the telly.

After Nat leaves, there's a second round of handshakes between the blokes. This is going into uncharted protocol of male greetings.

He thanks "the boys" for their advice before, incredibly, going in for a third handshake, only to be diverted into a beer bottle-clinking cheers which puts Farmer Tom at ease.

It's unclear how he would have handled a third direct flesh contact with another male.

Farmer Todd, with required RM Williams belt (gold edition) in place, is off to his speed dates with eight ladies.

Each of the ladies appears to have to walk about 3km to get to the wooden bench seat near the dam.

He says he's looking to find a spark but unfortunately he's not talking about resurrecting the Yamaha DT200R from the shed.

Toddy reveals in the dates that he's a Brisbane Broncos man and that his mum actually put in his application for the show.

The same old question arises as it has on EVERY speed date, with EVERY farmer in EVERY series so far: What do you look for in someone?

Of the eight, Farmer Todd chooses Daisy, Iyesha, Grace, Jacinta and Ellen - whoo, in exciting breaking news works as a sports journalist with ACM, this very publisher!.Those left awkwardly cry for the babies they won't be having with Toddy.

They all get to go camping too.

One of the ladies exclaims: "What a day. Look at it, it's so beautiful." Except, it's night.

Farmer Todd doesn't certainly ain't no tree huggin' carbon collectin' nancy footed forest man; he's loading timber onto the fire like he's getting ready for branding at an outstation.

"I'm not looking for a farm hand," Todd says, putting minds at ease.

Todd and Daisy go for a chat where she tells him she was married in 2020 and then divorced in 2021.

In discussing this, she admits she was young. She's obviously had so much more life experience since then.... all those three years ago.

It's only their first episode but that doesn't stop them sharing traces of mouthwash.

In Farmer Bert and Brooke's latest conversation, she says: "I don't think about you in weeks; I think about you in lifetimes." Somewhere, a Hallmark card writer is on the phone to his/her lawyer about a possible copyright infringement.

After a heartfelt spiel from Brooke, the Bertinator replies with a heartfelt: "Yep." Clearly he's missing his pineapples.

Before we know it, he's become a COVID-19 tester, swabbing Caitlin's mouth with his tongue.

Taneil thinks their connection is slipping so she treats him to a 55-page dissertation she's jotted down.

We can hear Bert's eyes roll when she whips out the notebook. Perhaps she's been keeping her own Connection Counter.

Claire is on the hunt. She says she "struggles in settings like this". So often does she go on a national reality show where women are matched up to primary producers?

She asks Joe to meet her near her tent in five minutes, as she's got something prepared.

With that time frame, it certainly can't be a game of Computer Battleship or her whipping up a fruit cake.

Instead, she steals Keely's idea (well, let's be honest; the producers' idea) to have a bath with Big Shirtless Joe.

Perhaps Joe should take this as a sign he may need to work on his personal hygiene or body odour.

Claire looks as uncomfortable as a bacon sandwich at Passover.

Straight from his Bonds commercial, Chiselled Joe strips to his floral boy-leg undies which prompts giggles from Claire "Giggles" McGiggly-gigglepot Giggleson.

Despite everyone else pulling on more jumpers and blankets, these two pop into an outdoor bath causing water to overflow, washing over Joe's RM boots and her Birkenstock sandals.

That little caper has potentially ruined about $1000 worth of footwear. (It's not the only boot-destroying practice shown; some clown stokes a fire up his boot a bit later on.)

Claire says she's "trying to show more of me." Well now there's not much left to show, love.

In some double entendre-laced scripting, Joe says: "I feel that Claire really needs to reach out and grab what she wants." Oh please.

They play wet handsies in murky water while Claire giggles to the power of 10.

By the fire though, it's World War III between Keely (who has borrowed Bob Dylan's hat) and Calya.

Their tense back-and-forth is set to twangy western music, like someone is going to draw a revolver.

That someone may very well be Sarah, sitting in between them, simply for the sake of some peace and quiet.

She asks the girls to be grown ups and to not dampen the date that Claire has had with the man they are all trying to woo. Makes sense.

Content with a beer in his hands, Six-Pack Joe doesn't suspect anything until the director/producers tell him to ask: "What's been going on while we were away?"

No response, but a few minutes later, livestock administrator Sarah and Joe McAbs pash up a storm.

He must have smelt nice from having just had a bath with another lady.

Farmer Tom is off having some time with his Sarah (Sarah A, B, C, L or J- who can even remember?) who is also a giggler.

Tom conducts a dental plaque check for her, and she likewise.

She even giggles when she kisses, which can only be referred to as kissiggling.

And that's about it for them to be honest.

Tongs in hand, Farmer Dustin (who should be wearing a hair net) takes charge of the open grill putting on some snags which look very much like they came from Woolworths.

It's Anna and Dustin's turn for a date in the back of an Isuzu DMax, which is nothing it can't handle thanks to its 140KW engine delivering 450NM of torque.

Their chat leads them to achieve awkward kiss number 765 for the series.

This episode's Connection Counter registers at 10.

Farmer Wants a Wife is on Channel Seven. Farmers Watching Farmers Wanting Wives is a special Voice of Real Australia newsletter from Julia "Sunset" Wythes, Hayley "Picnics" Warden and Ashley "Throw Cushions in the Ute Tray" Walmsley, bringing you all the daily drama of the reality TV show.