Why?  Are they not practising enough? Are they practising with the wrong partners? Are they not listening to constructive feedback offered because of wounded pride?

Possibly.

Well I’m sorry Australia, it’s time you changed. There are far too many terrible smoochers running around out there, snogging amuck. We owe it to ourselves to kiss the crap lip-smacks goodbye. We owe it to our national reputation. We owe it to our children. Most importantly we owe it to ourselves. Especially as it’s Friday, and the time is rather ripe to get a little bit frisky...

Because there’s nothing quite so lovely as a very sexy pash. Kissing plays an important role as an adaptive courtship and mating ritual. It’s an important as a sign of marital cohesiveness. Indeed, studies show that a bad kiss can kill a relationship before it even begins.

So. Good kissing. What makes it thus?

Let us first take a moment to reflect on the origins of this most delicious human habit. According to an entry by Gordon G. Gallup in the Encyclopaedia of Human Relationships, kissing evolved from a primitive feeding gesture between mother and child. Lovely. Our close cousins in the animal world smooch too; however the ‘why’ is difficult to determine.

Even so, we know humans use kissing for reasons beyond erotic pleasure. Kissing is used as a ritualised, symbolic gesture of greeting, or as a means of reinforcing familial bonds and kinship groups. I've certainly confessed in taking great pleasure locking lips with the lovely lads and ladies I call 'friend'. But it is romantic kissing that’s present in 90 per cent of human cultures. It is romantic kissing that unleashes a cascade of dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and adrenaline – those feel-good compounds that have us seeing stars, falling over heels, and proclaiming true love from on high.

If done correctly.

So how?

Unsurprisingly, there’s very little literature on the particulars of a good pash. This is largely because it’s so damned individual. Right down to the chemical messages we exchange when we swap saliva, kissing is a pretty personal thing.

However there are some very common, very easy, very terrible mistakes people make. I write this from my own experience, and the collective experiences of my friends, known associates and dear Twitter followers. I’ve listed a few of them below, but I hope – in the spirit of sharing we’ve so firmly established in this blog space – that you’ll contribute your own...

Tongue

Too much? Not enough? Too soon? Too slow?

Let’s get one thing straight. Tongues are fabulous muscles. They taste, they twist, they’re wet and they can really do wonders for your love and sex life. But they have to be mastered. A sloppy, slippery, dribbly tongue is doing no favours to anyone, just as a wriggly little worm belongs only in the ground. If we’re talking a deep, passionate embrace (and I hope we are), a tongue should be used with a sense of purpose. Begin with lip contact. Open your mouth a little wider. Soften your jaw, and then slip the budded tissue in. Try to resist the temptation to mount a full-scale survey of your partner’s alimentary canal. Leave the teeth well alone. But don’t be afraid to seek out your mate’s own love-muscle, and have a little tango. No shoving. No swallowing. Definitely no face-licking...

Biting

Do it. Gently. Sometimes. Never hard enough to bring blood. Always aim for the cushiony softness of the bottom lip. Think ‘nibble’ not ‘gnash’, and keep your senses open to how your partner reacts.

Necks

I melt at the knees every time a lover introduces themselves to the sensitive bundle of nerves and flesh running jawline to collarbone. But the melting isn’t always a good sign. Sometimes the shivers are revulsion. This is usually because they’ve come at me like a porn-star R-Patz, fangs bared, leaking drool and sparing no thought for subtle seduction. A good melt will be brought about by soft, warm, measured, firm nuzzling. Just behind the ear, little bit more lip, put your hand around the back of my head, now we’re talking...

(Alright, over to you...)

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kfeeney@fairfaxmedia.com.au