In fact, I was wrestling with two daughters yesterday in a dispute about the air conditioner being on or off, when during the skirmish, the middle one grabbed my muffin top and used it against me as a weapon.
Well, I don't know about you, but just when I thought I'd dodged the bullet of weight gain over Christmas, then ducked and weaved enough at the beach to escape it - fear of the swimsuit was my best defence - I've been kicking around home waiting for school to start and I'm suddenly hit!
My weight has shot up with the bathroom scales battling to survive the onslaught of at least four unwanted kilos.
I've got bulges in all the wrong places and it's too hot to be lugging around extra lumps in tight pants.
In fact, I was wrestling with two daughters yesterday in a dispute about the air conditioner being on or off, when during the skirmish the middle one grabbed my muffin top and used it against me as a weapon.
This is bad.
It is downright dangerous.
And yet, when I was struggling to take up the hem of her new $92 school dress - darn those pleats - I immediately turned to crunchy corn chips with a splash of lime juice to ease my pain.
I definitely needed Christmas cake and a cup of tea after butchering the clear contact job on a new $73 year 8 math text book, and turned to toasted muesli laced with maple syrup when issues emerged with the unspeakably expensive laptop for my year 10.
Walking in the door with three new pairs of school shoes cost me more than $300 and two bowls of leftover silky strawberries and cream yoghurt.
Sewing the ribbons and elastic on the gorgeous new pointe shoes for my ballerina took three hours and a whole bowl of salted nuts to assist recovery.
Is there anything better than lashings of cheese on sourdough toast to satisfy when you've spent the day running tall, thin teenagers around to all their social engagements?
Actually, I think I can see a pattern emerging here.
I am a perfectly innocent victim in this campaign to cake on the kilos.
I am only in the wars because my girls are in my line of sight!
As they dash off to school again, I'm sure I'll be able to take action on the home front and combat this weighty issue head on.
Viva la first school term 2020!
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